How do you describe the feeling of Depression? I can basically sum it up in one word; that one word is loneliness. You can ask a hundred people that same question and you will get a hundred different answers but one theme that will always remain the same is loneliness. For me when I am depressed I cannot bare to be around others. I cannot be around others because I cannot stand being around even myself. Depression feels like you are two people in one body. Two people who hate each other and cannot stand being around each other. It is a very empty feeling. It is hatred. Another feeling I experience is hopelessness. I feel like there is no reason to be alive. No purpose.
My earliest memory was looking up at a distorted figure. I was 2 years old and I was being held under water in a bathtub as punishment. I do not remember what I had done to deserve the punishment but I do remember how I felt. At first I was very scared but after a few seconds of struggling I felt calm. I was too young to know what dying was and I was too young to know that this was not normal. That calm feeling was acceptance. I accepted what was being done to me and I accepted that I was not in control. Water began to go into my lungs through my nose and mouth. I remember this feeling vividly. It was a little painful but mostly uncomfortable. The distorted figure began to go dark and then I was allowed to breathe again. This was my punishment. This did not happen one time… it happened many times. I believe this event set the foundation for my depression.
This event also set the foundation for accepting what I believed
was being done to me and believing that I was not in control. This would become
a habit for me as I grew older. I saw things in my life as “out of my control”.
I was all too willing to accept consequences because I always felt as if I did
not have a choice.
When I was in 7th grade I remember the faculty was talking about potentially having me repeat the grade because of poor academics. This possibility was more than I could handle. I felt stupid and worthless. All I could think about is what others would think and say about me. It was causing me stress to no end. I was looking for any answer I could find and then an idea sparked into my head and I felt the same calm feeling I felt when I was under water. I knew what I was going to do; Nothing. I would do nothing to improve my grades. I would not try to change anything at school. I would accept whatever happened to me and if I did get held back I decided that I would kill myself. This was my best option and this choice brought me comfort. I finally felt like I had control. This became the story of my life. I would never try at anything or attempt to improve myself in any way because I knew exactly how this all would end. Knowing this made me feel calm and I felt extremely grateful to be in control and have an answer to all my problems.
This is just my experience and I am sure depression stems from different things for different people but I can only speak from my own experiences.
P.S. I still cannot swim to this day.
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